A Hard Truth

I’ve always thought of myself as a positive person, but recently, as I read through the poems I wrote in my youth, I was shocked to see just how pessimistic my thinking was, and, perhaps, still is. It was a rude awakening of sorts, maybe because I have been fooling myself for so long. The truth is, I had a very painful, fearful childhood. I know, get over it! But what you may not understand if your early life was somewhat easy, is that what happens to you as a child, shapes your world view, and your world view shapes your personality.

Anxieties and fears get embedded not only in your psyche, but also in your body. Your muscles remain tense even when you think you are relaxed, because stress has become ‘normal.’ Your mind becomes hypervigilant, always on-guard, and even when you think you are expecting the best, you are preparing for the worst.

It isn’t that people like me want to hold on to the past. It’s that the past has seeped itself into our very beings. My normal reactions are not that normal to many others – like when faced with threat/harm, I go numb and freeze, rather than fight or run –but it is what my body and mind do instinctively out of training and habit.

When I look over my life, I think that rather than to seek adventure and risk, I have lived very small, because safety – not getting hurt — mattered more than joy. I’m not trying to whine… just explaining things as I see them.

Anyway, here I am in the last phase of my life, just now realizing that I have a habit pattern of dread and hiding. And that all the counseling, self-help readings, educational settings, work experiences, and life experiences I’ve had so far have been stifled, kept small by my fears. So, I’ve decided to get social… find meet-ups, make friends, take classes… just get out and learn how to have ‘fun’. And blog… which is risky feeling to me.

‘Fun’…now that’s a word I have nearly forgotten.  ’Fun,’ to me, is very simple. It usually means meeting a friend for lunch or coffee. Joining in a metaphysical or philosophical conversation, which would be really dull to some, or watching a good pay-per-view alone. Fun to me has been feeling free and safe… pretty dull in the larger view.

So this is my very first blog…. ever, anywhere. I’m a newbie, so please be kind if you comment. I’m just like most of the rest of the world… groping and stumbling my way towards a greater understanding of life and my self, and trying to avoid intentionally harming anyone or anything else. I do swat flies, but I don’t kill ants… okay, so I’m not perfect in my harmlessness. Are you?

What is life about? What am I about? Maybe the answers are: Life just is, and I just am. What I am and what my life will be from here on out appears to be whatever I decide them to be. I just wish I made better decisions sometimes. Know what I mean? Isn’t hindsight great? Don’t you just feel like crawling into a hole sometimes… usually after doing something to really humiliate yourself? I do. Oh no! There I go… being pessimistic again.

I’m working on it… because while I think I’m pretty pessimistic, my heart truly overflows with so much love for everything. Duality… fear and love.

A tough nut to crack.

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Tags: Duality, Fear, Life's Lessons, Living Small, Paybacks, Pessimism, Playing it Safe